Hearing after race 2 at Oulton Park that, during his commentary, Chris Hart was responsible for describing Tom Brown and me as "portly gentlemen" I feel I have to respond to this calumny (intended or not). I know that retaining Jamie would be too expesive for my pockets so am resorting to the only course of action open to me...

This is to announce the formation of "League of Portly Gentlemen racing". Membership is open to those who avoid presenting a profile view when being photographed or who would rather keep details of their BMI between their doctors and themselves. There is no joining fee and the only condition of membership is that on sighting Harty in the paddock you greet him with the words "Hello Harty, you skinny b*****."

Looking forward to seeing cars with discreet "LPG racing" logos during the course of the rest of the season.

"LPG RACING" hmm...liquid petroleum GAS??? low pressure GAS?... that has to be something to do with HART,or is that HPG...?!

Ban the skinny b****** from the commentary box!

I've not been called a "gentleman" before though, so its not all bad.

What the skinny b****** probably doesn't realise is that the daily dedication to beer & crisps is all in the aim of increased traction - get that weight over the rear axle!

Put me down for an "LPG Racing" logo - size XXL please

Cheers
Portly Gentleman number 2

Luckily the legless dwarfs in the audience didn't hear me or I really would be in trouble. I might have mentioned them once - but I think I got away with it.

SB.

I feel discriminated against and protest on behalf of all the bald old gits.
Can we have some BOG racing logos????

First you have to get the driving standards officer to slander you over the PA.

Brian, the DSO doesn't even know who he is or where he is for the most part. On Saturday, he thought he was in Tesco's in Sheffield enquiring as to the cost of Anti-Fat-Bast*** Cream when out of the blue he was asked to imagine he was a race commentator for an afternoon.

You know that and I know that, but who's going to tell him?

I've had enough of this.

My legal team (ex-John Terry) are poised to sue and have issued this statement on my behalf:

If the ****s who started this load of *******s persist in vilifying our client then the ******s had better watch out.

So there -

...and your defence will be that you were only saying that they weren't portly...even if some people thought they were I suppose!
As honest as O J Simpson.......

'..poised to sue..' what the hell has sue got to do with this and who is she?

Having read the statement from SB's legal team I realise this is beginning to wear a bit thin Furthermore I have established that I am not portly, I am in fact a nutritional over achiever.

BJ

"Never knowingly underweight"

Dear Brian

Oh how I do feel for you. I now know that I should not have relayed to you what I heard on the Tannoy.

My question is, how do I know that I qualify for the LPG? I would like to bear the emblem on my stead but would not want to do so under false pretences. I weigh 16 stones (100 kilos) so I feel like I should qualify. If I undo the belt of my race suit, the tummy falls out. Steve Everson calls me a big fat git a lot of the time and makes hints about dieting. I take a polarised point of view, like Tom, that the extra weight I try to put on at teatime every day is to increase the weight over the rear wheels to improve my starts off the line. Oh dear this is so difficult. As you told me a long time recently ago, I used to be indecisve about things but now I'm not so certain.

I think the clincher is that I bought a car with a stonking big engine to be able to compete with the nippers (see my other posting today). So I hereby apply for membership of the LPG.

Marcus,
I imagine you have asked this in the hope that I would say that you are far too slender to qualify; if so I'm sorry to have to disappoint you. I am more than happy to second Steve's comments and welcome you to the growing LPG Racing membership.
Brian
PS. Please don't feel obliged to undo the belt on your overalls to prove your membership at any time.

Having read this, all I can say is thank God we kept the forum alive. With all the gloom on TV, it's great to come across something to put a smile on our faces. For all those carrying a few pounds of ballast, just remember it never slowed Gerry Marshall in a racing car, so eat and enjoy!