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Comment
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charlie
Aug 17, 05 - 10:42 PM |
naming "mom"
My wife passed away 5 years ago from cancer. We had 2 kids. They are now 12 and 9 yrs old. I was re-married 3 years ago a wonderful woman and she is a great mom to the kids. She would really like them to call her "mom". I would really like this too and expressed this to them. They don't say much about it and now they won't call her anything, not even her name. I know this takes time but I'm in a real dilema in what is the right thing to do or say. If it takes time, we're worried that the longer it goes, the harder it will also be. Should we also tell our families our wishes for them to also refer to her as "mom" because this may also be part of the problem. Please give me any suggestions!!
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Beachie
Aug 28th, 2005 - 7:52 PM |
Re: naming "mom"
Charlie,
I have read alot about things like this, and being a mother myself with my own children and a stepdaughter, this can be a tough thing. One thing you need to keep in mind, is "don't force" or "push" your children to call another women "mom". You have to remember that they loved their mother very much and lost her at young ages, and also, it had to be a very tragic time in their lives. Put yourself in their place, and mindset. By calling another women "mother", they more than likely feel they would be betraying the mother they had. If you and your new wife try to force the children to call her mom, you will more than likely cause your children to form ill feelings towards your new wife. Now that they don't even call her by her name, it sounds like that is happening. Children can take a long time getting over the loss of a parent, especially a mother who, not always, but most often are a very large part of their life. Not only did they lose a mother, but their father also brought someone into their life permanatly, that maybe they weren't ready for. That's alot of stuff for children their ages to have to deal with. I would suggest to you both, to stop trying or pushing onto your children what YOU want in this area, and promote to you and your wife, (especially your new wife) to just love them, and care for them, to be there when they need a mom, share in all their successes, encourage them when they fail, give lots of hugs and kisses when they let her, LISTEN when they need to talk and give them time to talk. And mostly, let THEM find their way of trusting the new women and in THEIR own time and way, there will come a day when you will hear them call her mom. My stepdaughter was 11 years old before she ever called me mom! I was in her life as her stepmother at the age of 3. I never asked her to call me mom, her father never asked her to, we never made an issue of it, I just treated her just like my own and did all the things I said above for you to try, and lo and behold one day, she granted me with the title MOM! She used to stay away from me, stuck by her dad all the time. She wouldn't go anywhere with me and my kids ever. She always acted like she was afraid of me, and I never gave her reason to be afraid. The day she called me mom, I was shocked! So was my husband and our kids. It was at that time too, that she started doing everything with me, went places with me and started to open up to me. She finally trusted me, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, she did it because she wanted to, not because I or her father wanted it! She realize I was not trying to take the place of her mother or her mothers name and I never would have. I let her express her fears, I encouraged her with love, cried when she was hurt and laughed with her when things were funny. I remembered everything about her all the time. And no matter how she acted to try to get to me, I didn't let her know how it hurt. She was always respectful but also distant. Children have big hearts and need to be loved, but most of all they need to trust. Your children also need to heal. Give them both whatever time they need to do this. Don't lose forever what you could have, by pushing them into something that you as adults want. Your children need to want her to be their mom on their own, and when they do, they will call her mom, and if they never do, don't take it personally, they loved their real mom so much, and the pain they feel is so deep, it could be that they will never let anyone take their moms place with that name "MOM". I don't know if your a praying family or not, but if you are, then pray for your children, and let God do the rest. I hope this helps some. Good luck, I wish you all well. And, may God bless their little minds and hearts, because I know they must really be struggleing with a lot of heartache and pain. Don't hurt them more. Love them and help them. You were ready to move on, they may not be just yet. Another thing to think about, your children may also feel that you have betrayed their mother by marrying another women. You never quite know what goes on in those little minds. I have lived both sides of your story. My daughters real father was in a car accident when I was 7 weeks pregnant with her. He laid in a coma for 5 1/2 years and died when she was almost six. Her stepdad and I married when she was 3, but he had been in her life from day one. He was her fathers and myselfs best friend. Her stepdad was also her godfather when she was baptised. I didn't have to deal with issues with her on calling him dad, she did that from day one. His daugter is 2 weeks older than my daughter and he and his first wife divorced when both the girls were 8 months old (his wife left him for another guy) and I was her godmother when she was baptised. I was around her all her life too. It's a soap opera real life story, but it shows you how every child is different. Each child will do in their own time what they are ready to do. If you try to force things on them you will lose and make relationships harder to live with. MY famous saying is "Let things happen in it's own time". Let this situation be important to your children to want, and in the right time, it will, if it is meant to be. Don't Make It an Issue.....Trust!
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charlie
Aug 29th, 2005 - 6:42 AM |
Re: naming "mom"
Thank you so much for your advice Beachie. I struggled with referring to her as "Mom" for a long time also. It wasn't until a few months ago that I was more comfortable with it. It took me a long time and I can really understand now that it might take awhile for the kids to feel comfortable as well. We do talk about a lot of things as a family but you're right, it might take longer for the "trust" you're talking about. It's difficult but we need to be patient. I think they might be caught between, not even comfortable calling her by her name. Should we both sit down and discuss it further with them letting them know that whatever they feel comfortable with is ok with us...or should I discuss this with them by myself?? Thank you again for your advice...I will use it.
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Beachie
Aug 29th, 2005 - 2:10 PM |
Re: naming "mom"
Hi Charlie,
I'm so glad some of what I said made some sense and that you understood what I was trying to convey to you. I get a little long winded at times (well most of the time hehe :) ). Because I don't really know the situation with how your kids are feeling about everything that has gone on in their lives during the last five years, I can only say what I would do if I was in your shoes, with what you have said. I think this is what I would do...You and your wife need to discuss this matter and both agree that the "mom" name just be left alone and let the kids get there on their own. She needs to build on friendship to gain their trust which will help build on the respect. Then I think you should be the one to talk to the kids about this (and I'm not trying to exclude your wife from this) but, if you are the one alone discussing this situation with your children, they may open up more to you without being put on the spot with her there. Let them know they can be honest with how they feel about things and you won't be mad, (and don't get mad either, just listen, work on what may make you angry later when you've given thought on how to handle it.) This gives the kids an opportunity to possibly express feelings to you that they are uncomfortable saying in front of her. (They also need to know they can tell Dad anything, and trust you, and that you won't always be siding with or defending your wife against them. They also need to know that if they need to talk to you about anything, you'll be there to listen and help.) You need to know what they are feeling and why they feel what they feel and they need to know they won't be in trouble, if the feelings they have about things aren't exactly what you and your wife want to hear, but they are very real to them. You should do this kind of thing often especially if there seems to be problems. Once you know how they feel about your wife and their life situation, you and your wife can work on helping with building positive changes to help get your kids to the point of loving her in a mom way and accepting what life has handed them. Time can always take care of that with love and patience, and lots of it! They need to know they haven't lost dad too, with trusting that you will still be there for them and not upset with them because maybe they don't want or aren't ready for what you and your wife want. They should at least call her by her name though, that at least is the respectable thing they need to accept, but be gentle about it. I would tell the children that, you still and always will love their real mom, and miss her (thats something they need to know and often till things get where you feel they won't need to be reminded of that as often and they are accepting the changes in their life easier) and that mom would have wanted dad to find someone when he was ready to help him and care for him and her kids, so none of you would be alone. Thats what mom would have wanted for all of you. I would then say something like, whatever your new wifes name is, that she loves and cares for the kids, and she's NOT trying to take their mom away from them, or replace her, or that they have to forget her, but she will be in their life, and in the role of raising them and she wants her and the kids to be friends. (Friendship=trust....trust will form relationships.....relationships can become family....family can become mom.) The kids need to know your wife isn't there to erase their mother from their lives and hearts, she just wants to give them some of what they lost. Let them know that she loves them enough that if they want to call her mom, that she would love that, when and if they would want that too. You always have to be careful to not let children have the upper hand in everything, but you also have to be careful that your children don't think that this new women in their life is taking Dad away by you seeming to care more about this new women and her wants than his kids and what they feel. Their mother had a bond with them, she smell like mom, did things in her mom way, acted and reacted in her own way, and the kids miss this more than you will ever know, and no one will be able to fix that. Something your wife may try at times and maybe she does already, I don't know, but when she and the children do things is ask them how did mom do this or that, or what did you and mom do together that you miss, and see if that might ease things when they can realize your wife is willing to incorporate moms ways in things. Or what would mom do in a given situation if they remember. Sometimes do it like mom would of. That can be a real positive sometimes, and sometimes you might get just the opposite. Some kids won't let anyone do what mom did. It's alot of trial and error and seeing what works and what doesn't. You'll see the sparks in their eyes letting you know if your on the right track and the fire in their eyes letting you know your not! It's like walking on egg shells alot of the time, but their emotional being needs to be most important, and in the end your wifes and your dreams may be much more than you hoped for in making a new family whole. I wish you the very best and we will be praying for your family. I don't have the perfect answers, I can only advise you on how I handled my own family. What works for some families doesn't always work in others, but you have nothing to lose in trying. Just make sure your kids KNOW, Dad is still the same and loves them the same and more. And LISTEN....LISTEN.....LISTEN! God bless your new wife too, as her shoes are not easy to walk in, and neither are yours or your childrens. It might be helpful to find some books for your children on death and losing a parent. Here is a book that might be real helpful for you and your wife to read. It's called "A Music I No Longer Heard: The Early Death of a Parent
by Leslie Simon" Its a book about several adults who lost parents at an early age, the effects the loss had on them then and all through their life. You'll find alot of information in these stories and insightful information to watch for in your children that maybe will help you, help your children avoid what so many go through in these situations. Knowledge is power, especially when your walking in unfamiler territory, and the future of your childrens lives depend on how you can help them and lead them. Just a suggestion. :)
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charlie
Sep 4th, 2005 - 3:59 AM |
Re: naming "mom"
Beachie, I'm sorry to hear all that you had to go through as well. Life's just not fair sometimes but we have to fight through it. It's just so hard. We also just had a baby and it's going to be difficult when the baby is saying "mom" all the time and the other children are not. It will be confusing for everybody. I think I will have a talk with the kids and my wife. I think I agree with you but on the other hand I see my wife's and my point of view about the whole situation...I think deep down I know we need to wait for the kids to be ready. Things went fast but I know it will work out in the end. Sometimes I think it's not such a good thing to be "strong" for everybody all the time. Thanks again
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